If dogs could talk, do you think they would be good at cracking jokes? There’s just something about them that makes it look like they’d be great stand-up comedians.
Is it the way they give us a comical side eye or react to a situation in an almost ‘human’ way with perfect comedic timing?
Anyway, is this thing on?
While they might not be able to tell jokes themselves, there are numerous hilarious quotes out there about our beloved canine friends.
So, if you’re sitting at work and missing your dog, here are some funny dog quotes to make you laugh.
50 Funny Dog Quotes
- “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” — Unknown
- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andy Rooney
- “Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” — Roger Caras
- “Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really.” — Agnes Sligh Turnbull
- “My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.” — Elayne Boosler
- “Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen.” — Orhan Pamuk
- “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” — Charles de Gaulle
- “If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.” — Will Rogers
- “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings
- “Scratch a dog, and you’ll find a permanent job.” — Franklin P. Jones
- “Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.” — Max Eastman
- “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.” — Unknown
- “Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.” — Kinky Friedman
- “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner
- “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does.” — Christopher Morley
- “Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we didn’t even know we had.” — Thom Jones
- “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “Happiness is a warm puppy.” — Charles M. Schulz
- “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” — Robert Benchley
- “Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.” — John Grogan
- “If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?” — Unknown
- “If you want the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.” — Unknown
- “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams
- “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
- “The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.” — Mark Twain
- “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around — that’s their job!” — George Carlin
- “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!'”— Dave Barry
- “Everything I know I learned from dogs.” — Nora Roberts
- “It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.” — John Grogan
- “Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.” — Roger Caras
- “A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.” — Orlando Aloysius Battista
- “Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.” — Sian Ford
- “If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.” — Charles Yu
- “When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.” — Kristan Higgins
- “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts.” — John Steinbeck
- “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” — Jean Ferris
- “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.” — Phil Pastoret
- “A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well — almost.” — Charlotte Gray
- “People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” — Mitch Hedberg
- “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” — Helen Thomson
- “The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother — and they will settle for a puppy every time.” — Winston Pendelton
- “Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.” — John Peer
- “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” — Sue Murphy
- “Properly trained, a man can be a dog’s best friend.” — Corey Ford
- “The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.” — Samuel Butler
- “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.” — Franklin P. Jones
- “The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.” — Ambrose Bierce
- “My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.” — Elayne Boosler
- “I don’t think twice about picking up my dog’s poop, but if another dog’s poop is next to it, I think, ‘Eww, dog poop!” — Jonah Goldberg
- “A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.” — Orlando Aloysius Battista
